I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Awwwww shit.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
im all 3
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.