Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
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My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.