[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
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I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
<—- homeless romantic
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*