In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Inside you there are two wolves
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.