I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
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Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known