[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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