Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Body by cheese-puffs.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.