Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
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“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles