me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
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Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today