The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Snapes on a plane.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”