Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
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Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
what’s really going on
*sewing*
A thread
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N