I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.