My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
giddy up Office Depot
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
This did not end as expected.