TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.