me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
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“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
The asteroid..
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.