My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
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therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.