Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
sliding into dms like
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook