Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
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ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me