can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
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When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang