At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Cause of death: Zumba
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.