I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
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With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.