Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
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What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I know
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works