The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
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Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!