“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
oh you like architecture? name three walls