From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Before & after 😅
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago