cat faces on other animals, a thread
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HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
A woman drives into a bar.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…