Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
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me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
lol
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Wait a minute
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.