Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants