pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
You Might Also Like
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I identify as an antique shop.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!