It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”