Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
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a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
That’s classic.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine