Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first