*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
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if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Never ghost your hitman.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah