[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
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Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
What my back needs
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”