[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*