Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
You Might Also Like
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”