It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. đ¤¨
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I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the âlaterâ setting, so now weâre having dinner at 1:50pm.
When you stop looking for it is when youâll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us đĽ´
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: Whatâs wrong?
3: Weâre dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
a vitamin for eyes called âvđtaminsâ somebody write that down
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My family is playing Monopoly so no it wonât be a silent night
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Donât even show up to that.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
them: Why donât you think about what youâre doing?
me: lolz