person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
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The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
A man of commitment.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.