“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
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Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one