in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
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I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.