KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
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Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Me My dog
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.