I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*