doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
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Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Self-cleaning conscience
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*