I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
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Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.