Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
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Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Well, this explains it:
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
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Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I have obtained a hat
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest