me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
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the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.