My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
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Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Every haunted house movie: