Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
You Might Also Like
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.