Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
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College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
thank god
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.