Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
You Might Also Like
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*